What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
