they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
