please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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