I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
