I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Randomize
