Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
