i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize