Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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