Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
