Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
