Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
