Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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