I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
