Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
