He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Randomize
