My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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