My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
