Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
