Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
