this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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