I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
BRING THE BAGELS
Im part way to drunk.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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