There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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