They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
sick fucks of a feather flock together
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
