im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
