You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
