someone get that fucking seahorse.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
