Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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