Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
