just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
