This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
