6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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