i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
