I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
