So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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