Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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