I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
this will be a night to untag.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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