I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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