I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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