I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
