I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
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