I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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