I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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