So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
