I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
