My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
