Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
