My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
