Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
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