Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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