it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
it's like heaven, but drunker
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
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The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
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That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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