I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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