He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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