then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
