Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
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