Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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