It's like God shit irony all over that family
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
