dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
